Some people are full of confidence – some are not. I am part of the latter group. I don’t think I quite noticed how severe my self confidence deficit was until after college. Or, maybe, it’s more that I understood why I had such low self confidence in the first place.
I’ve always felt like I was mediocre. It seemed to me that in everything I attempted, I was second place, decent but not great, passable but not ideal. There is never a shortage of memories of how I just didn’t quite measure up.
Even now, I’m attempting to complete a higher education degree and it feels like it’s taking FOREVER. I’ve been taking a few classes here and there while working, being a mommy, and just doing life. I wish I was a super-mom with all the capabilities of doing it all and not missing a beat, but I am not. Even with my best effort, my grades are not where I want them to be and although I haven’t even applied for the program I want to be in, I feel like a failure. For some reason, this realization just really gets to me. I know I’m not perfect, and never will be, so why does this bother me so much?
What I think it boils down to is: History.
I never knew how much I self-deprecated until a friend was honest enough to tell me. I said sorry A LOT and it was annoying, even to me. I felt the need to apologize for who I was and what I did to almost everybody. Most days when I looked in the mirror I was able to pick out every unflattering thing about me and I found myself saying those things out loud! I’ve been doing this for years and I never noticed how much I was confirming my self-hate. Day after day, year after year, I have been disapproving of myself for so many silly stupid things. Those little things build and become bigger things, and before you know it, you’re telling yourself that you can’t do anything and you’re a useless human being.
Unfortunately, I think this is something a lot of women do. I remember seeing my mother look at herself in the mirror and say awful things too. I don’t blame her for what I do to myself, but I do think it influenced the way I learned to look at myself. She grew up in an age where women were expected to do a lot and didn’t have many resources for emotional help along the way. The media too, has not helped this. I have watched countless hours of television telling me how I ought to look, how to act, and what to buy to help me be the “best me”. All with an underlying message that who I am at the core is just not enough.
So, I’m DONE. I’m done telling myself I’m not good enough. I’m done with satan telling me lies upon lies about why I’m sub-par. It helps no one, and it definitely doesn’t help me reach any goals along the way. This is not how God intended me to see myself. I have a daughter now, and I don’t want her to learn how to self-hate. My husband reminds me not to say self-depreciating comments because soon enough those little ears will hear, and that little mouth will say! I want her to grow to be a gentle, confident, and loving woman, so I’m doing my best to be a gentle, confident, and loving mother.
It is my hope, that if you suffer these things as well, you can feel good in knowing that others struggle with this too and that there is HOPE. We don’t have to live this way – it just takes some good ole’ elbow grease in cleaning up our language and our thoughts. I know it won’t fix all my troubles in a day, after all – it did take many years for me to get this way – so it will take many years to erase the word graffiti I’ve plastered on. But today I am making the choice to leave the self-hate behind, and move forward into the hope of the future. Today I make the choice to have no more self hate.